Nesting

It seems lately I have used much of my free time on little decorating projects in my home.  And I have to say that the difference it is making in my day-to-day quality of life is amazing.  I call it ‘accessorizing’ my home.   It all feels more complete and I no longer have the sense that it is not quite finished. 

We had selected everything with such care before moving into this new home and then it was a full stop all last year.  This summer I have been feeling motivated to finish what we started.  Just this week I actually hung a new shower curtain in the guest bathroom.  The new towels have been ordered and should arrive any day.   It really is the little things that can make you happy.  I will no longer be thinking ‘I really should get this room done’ every time I walk into it. 

As I stroll from room to room, I feel content that I have finished these little projects to add my personal touches to my home.   The flameless candle wall scones add a soft, warming glow to the living room each evening when they turn on.   The new-to-me teacup shelf looks amazing with my teacup collection on display.  And I decided to go ahead with a craft desk in a corner of the guest bedroom--  I can see myself working on projects there.  And that is a sign of my entering a new phase of transition.   I actually want to work on projects again.   I am enjoying the creative process again.   I think Robert would be pleased.  He always encouraged me to work on my scrap booking and decorating projects. 

Hiatus

Is that possibly the correct date?   I seem to have been much consumed with the physical side of life lately --  medical tests,  an illness here, an injury there.   I’ve started joking that I’m a frequent flier at my primary care doctor’s office.  The staff all know me by name.   In the midst of it all, it seems I ran out of words.  Perhaps it was the intense focus on the body that only pain can bring.   It does tend to blot out other thoughts when movement causes you to catch your breath. 

But tonight, as I did the extended dental care that braces require, I found words gently drifting across my mind.   Oh, it’s coming back- I’ve missed it!   What wonderful things are slowly stirring in my soul seeking to be shared?   It’s actually a bit of a mystery to me.   I usually just start writing and see where it goes.

Tonight I am remembering this poster I used to have.  I purchased it at the Harvard Coop in Cambridge Square when I was a freshman in college.   I eventually had it framed and it hung on the wall of various homes for years to come.  One day I passed it on to others.  I wonder where it ended up.  Funny how things float up from your memories.   Perhaps the feelings that poster represented are just appropriate for where I am this evening.   It was a gorgeous photo of the woods with a bit of a stream and a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson: 

“Think me not unkind and rude, That I walk alone in grove and glen; I go to the god of the wood. To fetch his word to men. “ 

Fake it till ‘Ya Feel It

When I woke up this morning I could sense that I would have to force myself to get out of the house today.  Last evening was difficult because I was feeling a bit under the weather and missing my love.   My natural nestling instinct kicked in this morning and I so just wanted to stay home.  Curl up on that couch and ignore the world.   Then I recalled my promise that I would work on balance.   I needed to find positive things on the weekends to balance the weight of the workweek.   Sigh.

A recent conversation with my sister came to mind.  She told me that sometimes ‘ya just have to fake it till you feel like it.   This is one of those days I told myself.   I put on a cute top and chose coordinating earrings and headed to the garage with a newspaper clipping in tow.  I told myself that if it was really not fun I could just come home.  

It was chilly and drizzly so I had on my new fuchsia rain jacket.  That ought to perk me up I thought.   I put in the address for a seaside botanical garden that I hadn’t visited in nearly twenty years.  I still remember the garden party I attended at Fuller Gardens.  It is located about a block from the seawall with a walking path.  Today was their annual plant sale said the newspaper and I was looking for herbs. 

The rain stopped and it became quite humid there by the sea.  I found some really great looking plants and decided to become a member there.  This could be one of my new ‘happy places.’  A reason to get out of the house on random Saturday mornings.   In the gift shop I joined a couple ladies in their passionate discussion of the most recent Downton Abbey season.   Of course, I told them.  Garden lovers would enjoy that show!  We reminisced about season one with the tea and garden parties and all those hats.

As I left, I put in the address for a craft fair on the common in Hampton Falls, a neighboring town.  As I drove along the seawall, the sun came out and the sea was sparkling to my left.  I was suddenly hungry and there was the Beach Plum restaurant I ate at last year with my mom.  I pulled in and got a fresh haddock sandwich.  The beach facilities were open across the street.  I got there just before the huge lunch crowd arrived.

When I got to the craft fair I realized I would have to park a ways down the street.  Well I said to self – good exercise and fresh air all together.  The common was covered in newly mowed grass a lovely deep shade of green, soft and comfortable for strolling around the craft tents.  I found many things I liked but was there for the entertainment factor more than the shopping.    Chatted with a few artisans at their booths.  As I was leaving the common, I noticed a sign for a local farm and it was further down the street I was parked on.  Well, I can get home from there quite easily.  I’ll just drive a new road I said to self as I banged a u-turn mid road.  No traffic in either direction, trust me. 

At Applecrest Orchards I picked up some new red potatoes and green onions so I can make potato salad on Sunday.  I actually found a small jar of pickled eggs.  Too funny.  They were featured in a scene in a recent book group read about some Russians and the meal they ordered in a bar.  I had wanted to recreate it at home.   Maybe I will.   Well, except for the herring.  There are limits as to what I am willing to try.   I had a nice chat with the owners at the cashier stand.   I got something to drink in the refreshment shed and admired the rows of perennials they had for sale.  It was less humid and the breeze was lovely.  The sun’s strong rays made it feel warmer than the 67 degrees the thermometer indicated.

As I left I marveled at the circuit I had made in my junket.  It was only twenty miles in total and I didn’t get on the highway once.  Many of the roads I hadn’t driven before.  Lovely discoveries of small town commons, old trees and rock walls.   The entire outing took only three hours.  And somewhere along the way I didn’t have to fake it anymore. 

Weebles Wobble, They Don’t Fall Down

I always thought that little song about the ability of Weebles to wobble was cute.  One of the joys of having a younger sister when I was growing up was that I had fun with toddler toys when I was a toddler and then again when I was older.  It was allowed.  And those little Weebles really couldn’t fall down.  It was all in the balance.  They could sway pretty far and lay down for a moment.  But they always bounced back up.

Last week I may have fallen down.  Never fear, I have bounced back up.  But for a time, I had fallen.  How could this happen I wondered?  All those layers of stress over the past months with work and medical issues just kept adding to the pile otherwise known as grief.  If you ever had allergies then you know what I mean.  One allergen won’t cause an attack, neither will two or three.  But you layer them all at the same time and WHAM – allergic reaction of mammoth proportions.  Apparently tons of stress building over months can collide with a grief burst and it gets messy.

I thought I was doing everything right.  Going for walks, healthy meals, resting on the weekend, etc.  It’s not enough if the stress levels get too high.  There are always signs – perhaps going through bottles of Tums and Tylenol that quickly?  I went in to see my doctor and she calmly pointed out that perhaps I should schedule a vacation.  Just a few days off.  And plan some fun things to do.  Perhaps a movie or eating out.   She wisely suggested that I have had a lot of negatives the past few years.  I need to add in some positives.   My countdown for retirement is a positive -  I always knew this job would be the death of me.  Wink.  But perhaps more is needed. 

Yesterday I met a woman who lost her husband to divorce and within a few years he passed away.   We started talking and made a connection.  We may never see each other again.  She must have sensed my situation because she asked the question.  Or perhaps it was the hand of God.   She offered some suggestions as to what she does to get out of the house and have fun.  She goes to the movies.  On a random Wednesday or the weekend.  She goes by herself.  I started laughing and said someone else had suggested the same thing a few days ago.  I told her that my husband wasn’t a big movie kind of guy so we rarely went.  But I used to love the movies on the big screen.  She shared that she doesn’t eat at restaurants alone but will eat at the bar and just order a small plate.  She sits at the end and people watches.  She was a great lady finding small joys in her life each week.  To think the conversation started because I used the word ‘plethora’.  Such a fun word.  Turns out it was her departed mother’s favorite word.   Serendipitous moments begin this way.

Last night I found a journal book in the pile contained in a basket on my desk.   The first page was a list of fun things Robert and I were going to do in retirement.  Ouch.   The next few pages were the moving list of box contents from when we were packing up the townhouse.  Ouch.  I debated whether I should tear those pages out of the book but decided to leave them for now.   I think I need to start keeping track of the fun things I’m doing.   Not what I plan to do, but what I have actually done.  I have a notebook jammed full of ideas that I started collecting after my cancer diagnosis.  The ideas themselves won’t give me balance.  So far I have: the discovery a couple weeks back of a comforter set that matches my bedroom perfectly.  And the new adventure of cooking a turkey breast in my crock- pot.   I’m spending time with my family for Easter so that gets added to the list.  Then there’s my DAR chapter and book group monthly meetings. 

Progress both great and small takes time.  More time than you expect.  And sometimes if we lack balance we will fall.   Remember to be like those Weebles.  Weebles Wobble, but they don’t fall down.  At least not for long.

Living in a Post-Cancer World

I was watching the news recently.  It was just after that Malaysian flight went missing.  An analyst was talking about living in a post 9/11 world and how of course terrorism must be considered.  It got me thinking.   I’m living in a post-cancer world.  What does that mean?

Well, for me being a cancer survivor is still relatively new.  It’s only been 29 months since my breast cancer diagnosis.  I was fortunate that it was caught so early.  But my life and how I view it was irretrievably altered.   My situation was unusual.  It was greatly complicated by the fact that within months of completing the radiation treatments my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer.   I was still adjusting to my own diagnosis but had to set that aside to be there for him.   And of course I’ve been dealing with the grief of losing him for the past 15 months. 

Yet somehow I keep moving forward.  One tiny step at a time.  Sometimes with guilt.  Sometimes with grief.   I think the cruelest thing of all is when a cancer patient has to watch a loved one die of cancer.  I lost my medical innocence.  I now know only too well that all those blood tests they run at the cancer center may not tell the whole story.  My husband continued to have really good blood test results for months after his diagnosis.  There are days when I wish they would just do a full body CT scan and rule out any and all kinds of cancer.  But of course a CT scan contains so much radiation that they would never do them routinely.   It’s reserved for when they are fairly certain there is a new problem.  

In my case, I have to be aware of certain risks associated with Tamoxifen.   Annual eye exams to rule out any crystals forming near the retina, watch out for early symptoms of uterine cancer.  And of course the standard areas of concern for breast cancer recurrence are lungs, brain or bones.  Fun to contemplate, isn’t it?  Trust me- it’s best not to think of it at all.  Of course there are times when you must.  

During the holidays I had to have a biopsy to rule out uterine cancer after having some unusual symptoms.  It came back normal.  I was told to just self monitor and let them know if I need more tests.  I recently began having ocular migraines.  I had them years ago so it isn’t that unusual for me.  But now that I am a cancer survivor, the ophthalmologist had to do her job. She explained that while there are no signs of metastasis, if the headaches continue I should call her.  She’s willing to schedule a MRI to rule anything out.   I cried that night.  She doesn’t really believe there is a problem.  Nor do I.  But she made me think about the possibility.    

So, in this post-cancer world, I try not to dwell on what could be.  I keep my old mantra from when I was first diagnosed firmly in mind:  ‘Any one of us could step off a curb and be hit by a bus on any given day.’  Life is uncertain.  Cancer, or an illness far worse, could happen to anyone.  At any time.  

The best advice I could offer a fellow cancer survivor is not to dwell on what could go wrong.  You'll think about it sometimes.  Just don't dwell.  Find the joy that you can each day.  Savor the good moments.  Live in love.  Take the time to notice those sunrises and sunsets. Admire all the flowers.  Spend some quiet time with God.  Join in with the silly laughter of a small child.   Listen to the ocean waves.   Let the sun soak in on a warm spring day.  Bring home a bunch of those supermarket daffodils.  Connect with friends and family.   Read interesting books.  Catch the latest movie you heard was so good.  And above all else, be gentle with yourself.   You are still moving forward bravely, even if it doesn't always feel like it. 

Tortoise or Hare?

I used to love the fable of the tortoise and the hare when I was a child.   The idea of that little tortoise just plodding along at a measured pace.  And that boastful hare just darting around and using up all of its energy resources and ending up behind.

Over the years my husband and I used to joke that we were definitely tortoise people.   We loved to pull into our shell and cozy up at home in times of stress.  We would chuckle at all the ‘hares’ running around using their financial and energy resources for today’s moments with no regard for the challenges of tomorrow. 

And now as a widow I am definitely more of a tortoise.  I pulled myself into that shell and allowed myself to grieve.  Allowed myself to begin to heal.   I came out upon occasion and when the pain levels grew to be too much I would ‘shell up’ again. 

Recently I feel myself poking out of my shell and looking around with curiosity.  What have I been missing?  Lately it’s just been a view of lots of snow.  Brrrr!   But spring is coming.   And I am rested up.   You’ll see me out and about at a reasonable measured pace.   No need to get ahead of myself.   I’ll let those hares dart about me.   If I keep plodding along I’ll get to that finish line just fine.