Efficiency is Overrated

I am seemingly an inherently efficient person.  I have a time clock embedded in my mind.   I have honed the skill of maximizing all my tasks in order to increase my free time.  I wonder if it stems from a branch of Germanic folk deep in my family tree.  I wonder if it’s time to have that clock removed.

It could just be from years of having to be efficient in order to accomplish all my goals in the academic and career arenas.   But I am known to take it to a new level.   It’s long been a game to see how short a time I can spend on errands, housework, laundry – you name it and I’ve played beat the clock.   That allowed me to squeeze in my craft and scrapbook projects over the years.   It allowed me to spend time with my husband.  I wouldn’t say he was overly demanding but he did enjoy having my full attention and lots of home cooked meals.   And he always wanted me to help him with his projects.   It was my pleasure to do so.   Yet when I was doing my own chores or projects, I always had this clock in my mind and an awareness of the other things on my endless to do list.

These days many of those items on my to do list are gone.   Instead of multiple properties to maintain, I am enjoying life in a condo where everything outside my unit is very well attended.  The time I used to spend with my husband was initially earmarked for grieving but this year I find that to be decreasing.  Or at least larger gaps in between the grieving.   Large home cooked meals are no longer on my agenda.  Yet I am finding some new joy in cooking smaller meals for myself.   And I am rediscovering writing as a past time.   I’ve been told that when I get to the other side of grief that the ability to scrapbook will return.  For now some of my projects are on hold – I know not to force the issue.

As I contemplate my future retirement, I begin to suspect this newly discovered free time is a good thing.  It allows me to practice a new mindset.   Lately when I am grocery shopping I am fully in the moment.  I go up and down all the aisles and explore my culinary options and really learn the store layout.  I am more aware of sale items than I used to be.  And I am remembering that I used to really like grocery shopping.  Before the beat the clock mantra took over.   It reminds me of my husband’s joy in doing the shopping after he retired. 

But then again Robert was always good at living in the moment.  He never played beat the clock.  He focused on a current task and did it extremely well.  And when he relaxed and sat outside soaking in the sun he was able to be one with the sunshine.  I used to tease him that he had no internal clock.  I think our innate differences were part of the attraction between us.   He relied on my ability to plan and get things done and I relied on his ability to slow me down.  I think he would be proud that I am beginning to learn the value of tossing that clock out the window. 

Beware the Ides of March

Convergence.  The state of being converged upon.  Intersecting demands.  The art of scheduling becomes more a mastery of juggling.  Just don’t drop the most important ball.  Which one is that?  Exactly.

I’m an organized person and actually enjoy planning my ‘to do lists’ and calendars for work and home.  But lately it’s become a bit more challenging.  For quite unexpectedly my working life has become like an advanced algebraic problem gone awry. 

I’m always working on several project teams at once.  They typically involve completely different groups of people and the work usually is fairly hectic at the beginning and the end of a project period. Of course, there is a rather lengthy cast of quirky characters involved.  Gathering information and coordination, endless meetings and conference calls at the beginning and then it levels out to a manageable pace in the middle with a lot of documentation.  The end is another flurry of activity with determinations, recommendations, written reports.

Well, at the moment, I am working on the end of two projects and the beginning of three more.  And my boss retired a couple months back and the new one started this week.  Yes, really.  And you know what that has meant?  Interim status reports.  So, picture each segment of work as curves on an X and Y scale.  Now circle the points where the multiple curves intersect.  That subset of points is my current work existence.  And you thought you could live your life without understanding algebra, right? Suffice to say it’s not a pace that is sustainable in the long run but perhaps for a month or two. 

Then there is the bevy of usual doctor’s appointments.  At this stage of life, there is a fleet of medical professionals to keep happy.  This past week was the dentist, orthodontist and ophthalmologist.  So I’m actually attempting to schedule conference calls and meetings around the medical appointments and the schedules of everyone on each of those project teams.  I am one person who is looking forward to May- my best estimate of when this will all settle down. 

How am I taking care of myself, you might be asking?  Very carefully.   Getting to sleep early, healthy meals, exercise and lots of lazy, unplanned weekends.  Long phone calls with people who care.  There has to be somewhere I exist with no schedules to juggle.  No demands being made upon me.  You know all those things we all know we should be doing, but don’t always?   For now, they are my mainstay as I continue on my grief and cancer journeys.  And I am looking forward to spring flowers.  So yes, beware the Ides of March.  And keep an eye out for convergence.  You might want to practice your juggling, just in case.

Tortoise or Hare?

I used to love the fable of the tortoise and the hare when I was a child.   The idea of that little tortoise just plodding along at a measured pace.  And that boastful hare just darting around and using up all of its energy resources and ending up behind.

Over the years my husband and I used to joke that we were definitely tortoise people.   We loved to pull into our shell and cozy up at home in times of stress.  We would chuckle at all the ‘hares’ running around using their financial and energy resources for today’s moments with no regard for the challenges of tomorrow. 

And now as a widow I am definitely more of a tortoise.  I pulled myself into that shell and allowed myself to grieve.  Allowed myself to begin to heal.   I came out upon occasion and when the pain levels grew to be too much I would ‘shell up’ again. 

Recently I feel myself poking out of my shell and looking around with curiosity.  What have I been missing?  Lately it’s just been a view of lots of snow.  Brrrr!   But spring is coming.   And I am rested up.   You’ll see me out and about at a reasonable measured pace.   No need to get ahead of myself.   I’ll let those hares dart about me.   If I keep plodding along I’ll get to that finish line just fine.