Efficiency is Overrated

I am seemingly an inherently efficient person.  I have a time clock embedded in my mind.   I have honed the skill of maximizing all my tasks in order to increase my free time.  I wonder if it stems from a branch of Germanic folk deep in my family tree.  I wonder if it’s time to have that clock removed.

It could just be from years of having to be efficient in order to accomplish all my goals in the academic and career arenas.   But I am known to take it to a new level.   It’s long been a game to see how short a time I can spend on errands, housework, laundry – you name it and I’ve played beat the clock.   That allowed me to squeeze in my craft and scrapbook projects over the years.   It allowed me to spend time with my husband.  I wouldn’t say he was overly demanding but he did enjoy having my full attention and lots of home cooked meals.   And he always wanted me to help him with his projects.   It was my pleasure to do so.   Yet when I was doing my own chores or projects, I always had this clock in my mind and an awareness of the other things on my endless to do list.

These days many of those items on my to do list are gone.   Instead of multiple properties to maintain, I am enjoying life in a condo where everything outside my unit is very well attended.  The time I used to spend with my husband was initially earmarked for grieving but this year I find that to be decreasing.  Or at least larger gaps in between the grieving.   Large home cooked meals are no longer on my agenda.  Yet I am finding some new joy in cooking smaller meals for myself.   And I am rediscovering writing as a past time.   I’ve been told that when I get to the other side of grief that the ability to scrapbook will return.  For now some of my projects are on hold – I know not to force the issue.

As I contemplate my future retirement, I begin to suspect this newly discovered free time is a good thing.  It allows me to practice a new mindset.   Lately when I am grocery shopping I am fully in the moment.  I go up and down all the aisles and explore my culinary options and really learn the store layout.  I am more aware of sale items than I used to be.  And I am remembering that I used to really like grocery shopping.  Before the beat the clock mantra took over.   It reminds me of my husband’s joy in doing the shopping after he retired. 

But then again Robert was always good at living in the moment.  He never played beat the clock.  He focused on a current task and did it extremely well.  And when he relaxed and sat outside soaking in the sun he was able to be one with the sunshine.  I used to tease him that he had no internal clock.  I think our innate differences were part of the attraction between us.   He relied on my ability to plan and get things done and I relied on his ability to slow me down.  I think he would be proud that I am beginning to learn the value of tossing that clock out the window.