Widow to Widow

This month I began my second year of widowhood.  As I look forward to the years ahead, I can’t imagine anything being more difficult than this past year of living after my husband was gone.  Yet I have had several widows tell me that they found the second year to be harder than the first.  I suspect that is because you have all these milestones to get through the ‘FIRST YEAR’.   And then as you stare down the second year you realize you have to do it all again and this is your life.   It will not suddenly improve but will be a continuing process.

I grieved deeply this past year and so I’m looking forward with some hope to enter a new phase of mourning.  It’s time to get out a bit more with family and friends and find more moments of joy.   I have something planned for the next three weekends in a row.    The challenge will be to keep those commitments even if they fall upon a more difficult day.   These days a difficult day means more feeling sad than having bouts of sobbing.   I confess that is a relief because until this loss I did not know it was physically possible for a person to shed so many tears nor for such a lengthy period of time.

I was given a lot of advice this past year and many books on grieving.  I found some of the books to be mildly helpful and some actually made me feel worse.   I learned to be very selective as to which books on the topic I allowed myself to read.  For me the current trend to place all types of losses into one group and say that all grief is the same is a huge disservice to everyone.  Especially widows.   It’s a very unique loss and not at all the same as other losses a person will encounter in a lifetime.  Even among widows there are differences depending on whether there were children and if they are grown.    Because I still work I find weekends to be more difficult but some women would be facing the same state of solitude everyday.  From all these conversations and books I gleaned a few gems that could prove helpful for another widow facing solitary days.    Here they are in no particular order:

• Get dressed and eat breakfast everyday.   And it’s okay to stay in your jammies on an early difficult day.
• As time goes on begin planning some meals.  Don’t eat everything from a prepackaged frozen meal for too many months.
• Be kind and gentle with yourself.  Your ability to think clearly and make decisions gradually returns.  There is usually nothing so urgent it can’t wait those first months. 
• Plan some lunches out with family and friends.  At first that may be all you can handle.  It is important to get out occasionally. 
• Walking outdoors is therapeutic. 
• Keep lists of things you want to do.  When you feel up to it begin planning when you will do them.  If you change your mind on a difficult day that is okay too.  Most things will happen again next year.
• Try to have something planned for the next day.  It matters not if it is work, errands, reading a book, a craft project, going for a walk, calling someone to chat.  But have something in mind to do the next day before going to sleep each night. 
• Find someone else to help or be kind to.  A family member or neighbor who needs your assistance can be a welcome diversion.
• Thank people for their advice and then make your own decisions.  Follow your heart.  Trust your instincts.  You will know when it is time for you to clean out the closet or bookcase.  You alone will know when or if you want to stop wearing the wedding ring.  By all means ask loved ones for help but don’t be pushed into something you simply cannot yet handle.
• My favorite book was ‘Widow to Widow’ by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg.  It is an older book I found it to be helpful and easily found at Amazon.